As I stand before the dressing table that is all covered with costly and rich scented men perfumes waves of stress appear on my forehead when my eyes see a little pink colored glittery box. I decide to pick that box up. Hesitatingly I open the lid of box. A rainbow appears in front of my eyes.

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It has all my favorite color lipsticks in it. While I touch those lipsticks my soul fills itself with happiness, joy and a feeling of completeness that can’t be described in words. I pick up a lipstick and as I am about to color my lips in color of happiness a tie waves at me from behind through the reflection in mirror and a tear in my eye waves back at it. I close that lipstick with all my dreams. I place the lid back on box with hiding my identity in it as well.

04-apply-red-lipstick

Some moments later I stand in front of mirror again but this time with a tie and suit. My mother tells me I look like a dashing prince and I smile back. My dad tells me that he is proud of the man I have become. But my life is still in those minutes just like someone has stopped the watch of world from getting forward. In those minutes I can look my whole life journey is playing moment by moment, picture by picture and character by character. Though I am standing still but other person I can see in mirror starts talking to me.

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I can see him screaming and shouting for breakthrough. He put tie out of his neck and shred it to threads. He also takes his coat off. He points out at me and addresses to me, “Take this tie out of your neck. This is nothing but a strap from world to tame you and make you what they want. Throw this coat off too because it’s meant to hide and contain the originality of yours. “

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Like always I just stand there cold and numb. He calls me coward and then approaches a cupboard and takes a dress out. Then I see a man going in washroom but when the door opens I see a beautiful heaven-sent fairy coming out. I could not resist her charms, her delicate make up, shining dress, those glass bangles and anklet making noise hidden under her skirt. She stands in mirror right where that man was standing before and I ask her who she is. She laughs back at me and bursts in tears. “I am you. Why don’t you let me out? Why do you keep masking me and pushing me back where I have to live alone and in darkness? Please let me out.” I gather up courage and loosen my tie but my dad calls me.

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I sigh and utters to her, “Sorry I can’t. Maybe this night I will let you out. I promise soon they will accept you and I will not be hiding you under mask.” I walk out of the room and she shouts, “No they won’t accept me ever. Don’t kill yourself. Don’t kill me.”  Knowing that those words were the bitter truth I hold my heart in blanket of false hopes. While I step out I ask myself WHO AM I? Am I the one what world wants me to be or one that God made me? Why I am not accepted the way I am? Hoping to find answers of these questions I close my questions book once again like every other time.

 

Disclaimer: This is not a real story but this reflects the gender disphoria every member of transgender community faces every single day of their lives.

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